by Tina Seymour Demoran Esquire – Seymour Law Firm, PLLC

Otherwise known as: Bringing Christmas cheer and a little sanity to those of us who are just not quite ready to jump on the Elf on a Shelf bandwagon. This will be a two-part series before Christmas.

So, I was perusing my Facebook page today, when I noticed my sis- in-law had shared a December calendar written by a blogger for all those moms who needed a few more things added to their completely stress-free, totally relaxed month of December (insert sarcastic tone): An “Elf on the Shelf” activity calendar.

Um, Ok.  You know I had to read it.

I downloaded the calendar and smiled, thinking, “Ok, this is kind of cute. On December 1st, the Elf arrives with a book/movie/letter from Santa.”

Sweet start, right?

I grab my afternoon Diet Coke and curl up in my chair to read more. However, as the days progressed, I tried to imagine how an overworked, sleep-deprived mom with an already full calendar would interpret this daily deluge of activities….so…here goes…Mom’s adventures with the Elf on a Shelf calendar…

December 2nd: The Elf wears a superhero cape and “flies.”

As I read this one, I’m already shaking my head. A few problems here. First off, please advise me, as I’m not that Shelf-Elf-savvy, but is there an accessory area in the store for this Elf? You know, like the ones we used to shop in as kids when we wanted to magically transform Beach Barbie to Doctor Barbie to Cowgirl Barbie?

If so, then I’ll add it to my list… if not…I’d better add red felt, string, and some way to put it all together after the kids are asleep to my shop- ping and to-do list.

Joy.

Second problem with this idea: how does the Elf fly? I mean, do you hide behind the shelf and fling the small Elf’s body at the kids as they shuffle sleepily into the living room/ Elf location and scare the living daylights out of them in the process?

Do you work out some intricate pulley system with fishing line so he “appears” to fly around the room as they “ooo and ahhh”?

Or would you just do as I am more akin to do, and duct tape his scrawny red butt to the ceiling fan and let him take a few turns around the room on the low setting while the kids watch? (while cleaning off the built up dust bunnies that have been there all summer)

Ahem…moving right along…

December 3rd:   Elf writes a grocery list for candy, candy corn, candy canes, and syrup. Thus, effectively adding ammo to my child’s already growing list of reasons why I should buy out the candy counter at the checkout line for them.

This sounds like a very bad move. But I digress…

December 4th: Elf removes all of the marshmallow from cereal.

Hold on…back up…I couldn’t have read this one right.

First off, if my kids are anything like I was as a child, those marshmallows are probably already gone (as I could separate/sort/return cereal to the box faster than lightning). Second, are you TRULY asking me to spend 20 minutes of my precious time standing in front of the kitchen counter, blearily sorting CEREAL from marshmallows so I can blame it on an Elf?

Ah hell with it…I’ll just remove the whole damn bag from the box… replace it with a bag of marshmallow-free cereal…and pair the marshmallow-filled bag of cereal with a nice crisp (large) glass of Chardonnay in my bedroom as I happily spend the marshmallow-sorting time saved by watching TV that is unsuitable for their little eyes and ears.

December 5th: Elf plays hockey with candy cane and M&Ms.

We live in the south. Bugs and vermin live in the South. Bugs and vermin like open candy. Leaving open candy in front of the Elf for more than 5 minutes unattended is going to ensure that Elfy Boy will have at least one new best friend.

Whether it’s Flying Cockroach on the Shelf that dive bombs the nearest person when the light switch is hit… or 2 Pound Rabid Rat chewing on Elf’s leg on the floor…will truly depend on where he wants to play this particular game of hockey.

Hey, but think about the plus side here…if it’s the Flying Cockroach… IcancombineDay2and5andfix that whole “how am I going to get the Elf to fly” dilemma.

December 6th: Elf leaves shoes out for St. Nick.

No big deal. Except for the fact that we own an oversized mongrel that harbors a severe hatred for all footwear, who ate said shoes waaaay before the kiddos woke up and witnessed this sweet act.

December 7th: Elf makes mini sized pancakes. You have got to be kidding me. My kids can smell food cooking in the midst of a complete coma and be seated in the kitchen, fork in hand, in less than 30 seconds of taking that first whiff. Unless I cook those bad boys at the neighbor’s house or out in the garage…the chances of pulling this one off and blaming the elf are going to be slim to none.

December 8th: Elf hangs kids undies up instead of stockings. A little cheesy, but okay, I’ll do this one without much comment.

December 9th: Elf leaves a progress report from Santa. Good lord, now he expects me to do his freaking paperwork for him. Seriously?

December 10th: Elf makes it snow cotton balls on kids beds. Rest of December 10th, I and my (slowly starting to hate this particular elf ) husband try to find all the damn cotton balls that have flown around the room and landed everywhere when they woke up, covered in white cotton. Dog poops brown and white turds for a week.

December 11th: Elf takes “selfies” with kids sleeping and posts them on Facebook.

Sure. Totally convincing. Because no kid will wonder how “Elf” was able to take pics, open the laptop, put in mom’s password, access her Facebook page, and then upload said pics without her knowledge.

Come on, lady who wrote this blog. You know this one is listed just so you can piss off your friends with no Elf stories and guilt them into rushing to the store to buy one so they can put retaliatory pics up on Facebook by the next day.

December 12th: Elf leaves a message in candy.  See comments regarding Day 5.

December 13th: Elf leaves crisp $1 bills and instructions to find crazy items at the dollar store.

Instead: Mom takes the crisp $1 bills and buys herself a nice bottle of wine to drink after the kids go to sleep later that night, right after she tells the Elf to stop leaving shopping lists for her damn kids.

December 14th: Elf set up an ornament scavenger hunt.

And it was all going so well…until I was hit with the not-so-subtle reminder that nothing says “Christmas” like the screams of a child who just stepped on a glass ornament that was hidden behind the couch by old Elfy. Trip to ER to remove broken glass: $500 (after deductible).

I’m starting to wonder if this Elf even LIKES children.

Shaking my damn head…