LITTLE LAW FIRM ON THE BAYOU: The Critter Chronicles - Can I Claim This Freeloader as a Dependent?

by Tina Seymour Demoran Esquire, Seymour Law Firm PLLC

Gather ‘round, children.

Apparently, we are now taking the Critter Chronicles to federal court.

Because somebody has reportedly filed a lawsuit asking the IRS to recognize pets as dependents for tax purposes.

And as the owner of multiple animals who contribute absolutely nothing financially to this household, I have questions.

Lots of questions.

First of all:

WHERE DO I SIGN?

Because if financial dependency is the test, Honey has been freeloading off me for years.

No job.

No income.

No 401(k).

No health insurance.

No contribution toward the mortgage.

And not once—not ONE dang time—has that dog walked into the kitchen and said:

“Tina, groceries were a little high this month. Let me Venmo you.”

Nothing.

She just stands there looking at me like she hasn’t eaten since the Clinton administration.

Then there’s Chrissy.

Also unemployed.

Also financially dependent.

Also apparently under the impression that the primary purpose of my career as an attorney is to finance her preferred standard of living.

Food.

Treats.

Veterinary care.

Medication.

Beds.

Toys.

And whatever random expense comes along because somebody ate something, stepped on something, developed something, threw up something, or suddenly started limping at 4:47 p.m. on a Friday afternoon.

DEPENDENT.

Check the box.

Then we have Roxie the cat.

Now, Roxie is a different tax issue altogether.

I don’t think I own Roxie.

I think Roxie owns me.

Which raises the possibility that I may actually be listed as a dependent on her return.

She certainly treats me like household staff.

I provide room and board.

I prepare meals.

I clean her bathroom.

I arrange medical care.

And I am periodically subjected to performance evaluations conducted entirely through judgmental staring.

But wait.

We haven’t even gotten to the wildlife.

Because if the IRS opens this door, I need somebody to explain the regulations regarding turtles.

Does a turtle qualify as a dependent?

What if the turtle lives outside?

What if the turtle technically has the ability to leave but chooses not to because the food is better here than anywhere?

What if the turtle has become accustomed to turkey sandwiches and strawberries?

Is that a dependent?

A tenant?

A squatter?

Or have I accidentally created a turtle trust?

And then there are the ducks.

Lord help the IRS agent assigned to my audit.

IRS AGENT: “Mrs. Demoran, you have listed several ducks as dependents.”

ME: “Correct.”

IRS AGENT: “Do they reside with you?”

ME: “Define reside.”

Because they live outside.

They eat my food.

They use my property.

They make a mess.

They contribute nothing.

And they occasionally scream at me.

Frankly, that sounds remarkably similar to several human dependents recognized under the Internal Revenue Code.

Then we get to the raccoons.

Now we’re going to need regulations.

Because I am not claiming every raccoon in Jackson County.

I’m reasonable.

But if you come onto my property repeatedly, eat food I purchased, use facilities I maintain, and develop expectations regarding the availability of snacks…

At some point, sir, we need to discuss your tax status.

Same goes for the possums.

And God help us if Seymour the Alligator ever becomes an actual dependent.

Because now we’re talking about specialized deductions.

But here’s where this proposed legal theory gets really interesting.

The IRS currently recognizes human dependents under very specific statutory requirements. Pets don’t qualify just because we support them.

Which means, for now, you cannot walk into your accountant’s office with a photograph of your Labrador and say:

“Her name is Honey Seymour Demoran. She is unemployed. Put her down for the Child Tax Credit.”

Please don’t do that.

Your accountant has suffered enough.

And before anybody comments:

NO, THIS POST IS NOT TAX ADVICE.

I practice probate, estate planning, landlord/tenant, and family law.

I do not practice tax law.

I am simply an attorney who has suddenly realized that a substantial percentage of my disposable income is being consumed by creatures who have never filed a W-2.

But I will admit the lawsuit raises an interesting question.

Americans spend enormous amounts of money caring for animals that are, for all practical purposes, members of their families.

We feed them.

House them.

Take them to doctors.

Buy medication.

Pay for surgery.

Pay for daycare.

Buy birthday presents.

Buy Christmas presents.

Buy orthopedic beds because apparently the regular $80 dog bed was insufficient for Her Majesty.

And when they get sick, we spend whatever we have to spend because they’re ours.

Family.

So while I don’t expect to be listing Honey, Chrissy, Roxie, four turtles, assorted ducks, three raccoons, two possums, and one questionable alligator on Schedule Whatever anytime soon…

I will be watching this one.

Closely.

Because if the federal courts ever decide that pets can qualify as dependents, I am immediately filing an amended return.

Possibly several years’ worth.

And somewhere on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, an IRS computer is going to spit out a return and say:

“Ma’am, you cannot possibly have this many dependents.”

And I will calmly respond:

“Would you like to see the veterinary bills?”

Welcome to the Critter Tax Chronicles.

Where nobody has a job.

Everybody eats on my dime.

And apparently Philip and I are the only dang creatures around here paying the bills.